[4.30am]

It's not that I couldn't sleep. I am dead beat, but I just thought I needed to spare myself some time to vent a little in here. I got really emotional and temperamental lately, and I know I'm playing a game that I can't win. It has been a long time since happiness struck me, and I know it won't happen in the near future because I have simply too much bad things piling up. The load is getting on my nerves, and it's not time to chill because it's just not time for it.

Sheldon is one hell of a game that I thought was easy to play, until something struck me after some discussions with the gang that made me hesitate what outcome to make in the game. But I've decided, that I will not pull my punches if things turn out to be against him. I promised myself never to plot again, but I guess we don't hold the final destiny. The old saying goes, those who ought to die will die eventually. Wait for your turn sweetheart, it will be soon that your sins be lifted. That will be my final resolution before my national service.

Bro is experiencing his bad time of his teens now. Typically, friendship again. It has always been something that got me strangled since small, until I made myself immuned to a loner lifestyle - eating alone, walking alone, talking to myself, lock myself in my roon, just living alone basically. I know somehow, that this had caused some disorder in my mind. I am so used to eating and doing things alone that I actually prefer to be alone. I need a psychiatrist, to tell him/her the problems that I keep to myself. I don't usually tell anyone what I am thinking, making myself so uncomfortable and pressured because I don't know how to open up. I lost too much that I have been so frail and phobic.

I feel myself hanging by the thread tied to a thin trunk. When it breaks soon, I plunge into nothingness. Shane has his 'lost in the stars' agenda, I seem to have been 'found in the shit'. I can't explain the forlornness I am feeling now, but it just hurt deep down. I long to kill myself soon.