[01:34] Tuesday 06 Jan 2009

This is a transferred entry from Microsoft word. My modem has broken down and I feel like penning something down, so I am using another channel to do it since I can’t gain access to my blog now.

Playing on air are Elvis’ and Leslie’s songs. Solitaire, White Christmas, It hurts me, My Way, 情到浓时, 侬本多情, 痴心的我, and a few others. Very quiet here at home, it would be great to have a glass of chardonnay and some chocolate fondue to go along with the king and “gorgor’s” music. Both of them made music the same way, and that’s probably why I love both artists – they make it the way I love them. It’s been a long time since I last had time alone, thinking of the things I did, and appreciating myself.

Things have been developing/deteriorating rapidly since last September. I find myself losing grip to almost everything, and there are a heap of troubles waiting for me in 2009. I’ve been very suicidal lately, thinking of taking the last ride every time I am alone. I appreciate the company of my friends who managed to divert me into a better mood, but that doesn’t solve the devastation or depression that I am facing. I have wonderful friends who want to listen to my problems, and if possible give me advices. I really appreciate the kindness, but I’m not known to open my heart to people. I’ve shared a lot about my past already. Bad enough, I don’t wish to have anybody sympathize on my life. I discovered a lot about life, and I dare say I know far more about it than my friends. I’ve seen how people work, how philosophies were always cheesy to inspire people with its simple concept in a complex form of writing.

I know I’ll only tell my troubles to people who are better thinkers than I am. I don’t want to tell my problems to just anyone and let them think that I’m some problematic child. That was why I wanted to consult a psychiatrist – they are better equipped with mental medicine. Just as everybody think that I am only a pampered boy with no jobs and future, I’ve been trying hard to carve my future out.

If I’m to die some day, there are bound to be regrets. I can’t leave now for some reasons, but staying would prolong my depression. Having no choice is also an alternative, being half-dead-alive is the key to living.

[2:05]

夜深人静，心情却感到不时的沉重。二十年了，我还是毫无成就。到底是新加坡人太被宠坏还是我自己不争气？在伊朗和意大利等国，十六岁的青少年已经开始奔波。有的拔刀拔枪卫国打仗，有的成为小小企业家。新加坡人却慢条斯理的度过一个毫无意义的青春岁月，成了一堆对社会没有贡献的废墟。我是其中之一吗？

狮城生活水平偏高，就连国人都无法不为钱而烦恼。我们真的有个透明清秀的人民政府吗？两位杰出的反对党席颜时中和刘程强为国人反政归正，也只减少少许政府对国人造成的压力。SDP党席徐顺泉却是国家的废党大使（屎），不时因犯下了不少诽谤罪刑而入狱。

不说政治，这里过生活不难，也不容易。只要有钱，你什么都能做。但如果没钱，就是死路一条。现实及无聊。