There's something wrong with me. I fell into confusion. It's like having faith in too many religions, that kind of insanity and madness. I asked myself too much questions, too much that I got so affected by everything.

Cultures, lifestyles, and love.

Culture. I'm Asian, borned into a Chinese community and hence into a buddhist family. There are traditions bound to be followed, which I always think are redundant because I never liked the Chinese traditions and customs. In fact, I hate Confucianism and Taoism. I got myself so upset whenever I walked past temples, "Sin Tua", and "Yew Keng". Few of my relatives even reminded me of my manners (as of the Chinese Tradition), and I never gave a shit (eg. when I greeted only "Hello" to an uncle instead of addressing him "Uncle" directly when he arrives at my place). It's silly. Then I wonder... Is this what I really want, am I happy living like this, why am I hating all of this so badly, and why can't I yet be any normal Chinese living in the culture?

Lifestyle. Another problem that gives me the creeps. I always think that life isn't that long enough for hesitation and wastage, hence we should do everything constructively and enrich ourselves with good life. Brands are one way to assure a level of well-being, and I am so into getting branded goods. Then I think again, am I happy to suppress myself like this... But I can't bring myself to get cheap goods either. Not because I'm arrogant, but I can't trust its quality. What should I do?

Love. The biggest headache of all. I had a relationship with a wonderful girl whom I didn't do enough to give her happiness, and she left me. We had very wonderful memories, at least for me... They leave me crying all day, even now. I was packing my room earlier today and I saw things that you gave me. Uno cards, MDM poster, the red note pad with your drawings of us, photos of us taken at my Mum's birthday last year, the case of the Delvina Watch you gave me, and some more other stuffs. They scare me, and I've decided to put them away in a place where I can't see them easily. 3 months, I still can't get over you at all. What's wrong with me? I had a question for myself that I still couldn't find the answer. "Do girls trust and love their boyfriends so much as their boyfriends do to them?". I've heard too many women saying this from very long ago - "Guys woo girls for sex, nothing else. And they marry you because it's the only way to have sex with you.". I got very affected, because I know sex is a strong need for both genders. It could be the reason that women loses more in an intercourse that made them say those words, but do they really think this way? And if they do, why do girls still love a guy, and commit to him? I don't understand, I only know.. Good guys love and protect their girls wholeheartedly. They stick to one, and no other girls would appeal to them even if they seduce the guys. Is it the same for the girls?

I'm dropping dead. Everything is giving me depression. I am very close to broken down.