I don't want to mention anything about my dismal NS days. I have something more heartening to share today - The demise of a man who was once my guide to buddhism - Mr Goh Gek Hong.

He used to watch me grow, from an infant to a teen, and then into a fine young man. I started my buddhism studies at his place where Nichiren Buddhism was taught, and he always seem to be a solitary man to me. One thing he was well known of, was his frequent puffings; he never once went with0ut a packet of cigarrettes.

These small sticks of tar and tobacco, has become his biggest burden and eventually his killer.

Last November, mum and I went to his place for a chanting session with some other Soka members to pray his for quick recovery. He was losing his voice day by day as his lungs condition start to worsen, but he was still able to communicate with us like normal people.

Days later, mum told me he was admitted into Tan Tock Seng hospital. I heard he was undergoing some chemo-treatments, and his conditions were improving bit by bit. It was a wonderful piece of news, and I was so relieved and elated over it.

However, his conditions deteriorated after he was hit by viral infections. To my astonishments, mum told me the doctor had said that given his weak immune system, he has little days left. It was devastating and saddening, as things happened too quickly too suddenly. Another chanting session was held, this time in my chapter zone leader's place.

There were slightly more than 1o people attending the session. Each and every one of us chanting for the best of him. As for me personally, I didn't pray for him to recover. I know we have to be practical in handling such things, and prayers are only for people who understand its meanings. I prayed for him to either recover smoothly, or leave peacefully and without pain.

The next day, mum and I visited him in the hospital. He was rather delighted to see us, and was trying his best to show his hospitality despite being in a difficult situation. I was relieved to see how strong he still is, as he communicate with us through hand gestures and words written on a writting board. He toned down too much, but he was still very conscious. Besides his bed was his chanting beads which he used to chant on bed. As we communicate, he tried to speak something to me which we couldn't comprehend. His voice was completely lost by then, so he had to rely on the writing board to convey his words.

He said '人生到了最后，才知道爱惜'. The next moment saw his tears running down his cheeks, which made me emotional but i had to suppress my sorrow. Mum wants to leave after an hour of visit, but I was a bit reluctant as I know that I may never see him again. He moved to a hospice the following Monday, and everybody knows a hospice usually accomodate people who are in their final days.

3 days after his move (today), I received a message from a friend of Soka. He informed me of a wake, of Mr Goh Gek Hong that will start tonight. I was stunned, too shocked to feel anything. He was still looking strong last Saturday when we visited him, and he left just 5 days after. Life is just so vulnerable, so unpredictable, and so sudden. But I hope he left without pain, to attain Buddhahood.

I'll be attending his wake tomorrow evening, to pay my last respect to this great man. I'll never forget him; how he used to teach buddhism, and how a solitary man he is to me.

Rest In Peace Mr Goh Gek Hong, goodbye.

I've been enlisted for a week, and everything seems shaky for me. Yes I'm uder medical PES E, and I'm doing all the clerk work that nobodlieve I would do. I'm not very fit, but neither am I too weak to do basic physical trainings. So I thought for very long, and came up with a conclusion. Maybe I should go to the doctor and ask for a letter to put me in PES C.

Although the first week was pretty alright, I'm still feeling very stress over what's going to happen next. I'm still trying to learn everything I have to do in there, and adapting to the kind of military life that I loathe most. 5 days a weeks, 9 plus hours a day ain't very pleasant for a sales person like me. There isn't anything I would dread more than entering the camps filled of people with golden crabs on their shoulders.

To make it worst, I was asked to go to the Medical Office for a body check-up that was required for all new enlistees. It was only the 5th day, when the medical officer told me my medical report shows no serious signs of health issue that I should remain in PES E. So he insisted on putting me onto a higher PES status. I refuse to call him doctor because I don't respect people who work by books and records. It's dumb, and I mean he's really a douchebag.

I was trying hard to learn what I have to learn in the office. But knowing I'm going to be posted out in maybe a month's time, I don't know if I should still slog for the people in there. Somtimes NS really push people to the limits. Since I've to go through so much stupid things in my NS, I'm going to just give no shit to the service, and do all I can to slack my military life away.

Tomorrow's another new week. God bless me.

I'm enlisting tomorrow. Not afraid, just stressed and nervous about it. I hate getting around with people and doing things together, and the thought of spending time together with them irks me. Well, I hope everything goes well for me.

Long day tomorrow, good night.

It was windy, the winds were unusual. But the people in the community were having a good time as usual, the kids playing and the people enjoying lunch everywhere. It was like a big family, all living in 2 blocks of 5-storey high blue-wall apartments. While my father was clearing up the crumbs on his plate, I stood at the window looking down the alley between the 2 block of flats. My mind in a swirl, I knew something disastrous is going to happen to this place. The weather was just not right, the clouds and the uncommon breeze that brushed across my face, everything was strange.

Then came a boy of my age. I couldn't recall his name, but he was a lively, and spastic young teen who seem to love doing adventures. He told me enthusiastically about the things he have done in the past, how he climbed mountains without harness, and jumping off a 8-metre-high cliff down the river. We got along very well, until I began to tell him about the strange weather that's bothering me, and that I believed that some disaster's going to struck the area. He responded with a raise of his left brow, the look on his face telling me how silly I am. "You're just getting a little bit too stressed. Changes of the climate is pretty common, so stop being a worrywart". I couldn't agree with him, I knew things ain't the way he thinks is right.

I tried to drift my attention away. My father came over with a cup of fruit punch, and I tried to suppress the dull look on my face, forcing a smile over my cheeks saying "Thanks Dad". But the thought of a potential disaster is over-whelming. I couldn't sit still, only to pace back and forth as though bad things have already happened and I'm trying to find a way out.

I wished things weren't the way I thought. But the rain and winds are getting stronger, and kids are running back indoors for shelter. Everybody crammed into the 5th storey where the dining area is, the adults and me slamming the panels of glass windows like there are dinosaurs outside the building. Everybody stood parallel to the window panes, shocked and speechless as we watch the unsual rain pouring in. Just as we thought we're safe, my new friend; the spastic young teen, rolled his eyes at everybody's fear of the rainstorm and walked out of the room to the corridor where the sink is. "Come on guys, it's just a heavy rain. We need to wash our hands after every meal remember?" We are separated only by a panel of glass, but every one of us is yelling at him to come back in. He ignored us and went on to wash his hands.

The next moment was to our despair and disbelief. Just as we thought that the rainstorm would cease after some time, a sudden flush of waters higher than the level of our flats, came pushing my friend away. All of us started to panic, some stood still with their legs wobbly, while the rest started to run for their lives. My father and I ran down to the 1st level, which to our surprise was unaffected by the Tsunami. We knew the glass windows wouldn't be able to withstand the strong current of the waters and that the entire level would be flooded with casualties.

Down at the 1st level, I saw my mum and sisters, after that.........


I woke up, eyes opened wide in shock. I was trying to figure out what's real and what's not. But it was a worthy nightmare, and I wonder if there will be a second part.

I'm enlisting in a week, which means I have only 7 days to idle before I start wasting time in the Air Force doing administration work. Work in Skagen was pretty alright despite the awful wage, but it was good experience and easy for a sales veteran like me.

Life is getting so screwed for me, I'm losing grip to a lot of things already. There was the confidence in me that turned my pride to arrogance and complacency, now I'm losing all that I have in me to do even the simple things. Perhaps it was the 'awakening' that aroused my visions. When my smug look brushed across all I wanted to challenge, I realised I haven't the capability to put myself on the top shelf. I can't convince myself, not at this moment of my life. But I'm still young, there are a lot of things I'm going to do to become who I will become in future. It's going to be a bumpy journey, but with good legs I'm going to cross the toughest mountains and leap over the highest hurdle. It's just a matter of time.

I have a strong ego, so strong I couldn't even stand myself sometimes. But that's also the reason I'm pushing hard to accomplish as much as I can. If I have to, I will be.

A month of disappearance, I'm here again to share my 21st birthday moments.

First, I want to thank all who came and who organised this birthday celebration for me. They are my family, my cousins, Justin Javier and family, and my friends who came - Stephanie, Chang Xing, Lin Hui, Peter, Andy Lau, Ah Xiao, Shalu and sister, and Qifan. You guys made my day, and I'll never forget the moments. Not to forget some who didn't manage to turn up due to important matters, like BaoBei, Yang Bin, Paolo, and YeeYing. Thanks for your well wishes...

Gifts I've collected - A Chinese Tea Set, A Candle Display Holder, A Musical Box (What a wonderful world), An Adidas Perfume Set, A Calvin-Klein perfume, Armani-Exchange leather belt, and 2 High-Society music CD. I love all of them, thank you very much! Now I can brew my own Pu-Er tea =D

And now for the celebration, I'll like to extend my appreciation to Steph, LinHui, Chang Xing, and Peter. They came earliest to the BBQ pit (even before I arrived) to help out, sorry I wasn't a good host to keep you guys entertained. We had some home-cooked food before we started the fire at 7pm. The food was alright, but those who came might have felt a little bored because there wasn't anything much to do over there in Pasir Ris park. The cake was nice, and I was 'asked', if not forced to put on a golden cone hat on my head and a fake mustache throughout the entire birthday song 'ceremony'. Well it was dumb, but also an unforgettable moment.

A good celebration comes with a pinch of disappointment, I knew there were some problems with the budget issue (regards to the gift) between Steph and some friends. I didn't feel very good receiving the presents, though happy and surprised. And to think that some close friends had to either give my day a miss due to some typical excuses, or call several times making sure that there's food before agreeing to come. But well, I've learnt alot too...

And for those I didn't invite, I'm sorry because I wouldn't want to disturb your day for I know it wouldn't be easy for you guys to take time off the evening. People like Bro Shane, Anterine, and cousin Xiao-Feng.

Alright, I'll stop here now... Goodnight

Listening to: Laura Fygi - Don't it make my brown eyes blue

She's a great Jazz artist, it was a right decision to buy her new album. I heard she's coming to Singapore, but well... It's not so nice sitting there all alone listening to such delicate music.

Hmm I've finally found a job. But as usual, I'll be seeing customers (or just passer-bys) and bragging my products away (like I did for the past 4 years). What's new? Nothing besides the products I'm going to sell - Skagen watches that originates from Denmark. They have a couple of attractive designs, but my taste often give people the orbit feel (which I prefer to call it classic). Oh I bought one of them, it's in one of the photos I'd uploaded in the previous post. My family didn't really like it because they feel it was a little too matured for me - if you know what I mean.

There probably is something bugging me, but I really don't know what really is going on. I feel so downcasted and lethargic everyday that nothing bothers me anymore. There isn't anything that could brace me up, or am I beggining to dread living? All the psychological cues that I learned in school, all seem so ridiculous. How insensitive can life be, when everything doesn't seem to interest you anymore. I don't know, just... don't know...